Try As I May

I hate that you don't even listen.

I hate that even now that I'm actually trying,

you don't give a fuck.

I hate how I've put up with your shit,

and all you do is throw me a big bag of more of it!

I am fucking trying and is that not good enough?

Because if it isn't, just tell me.

I don't have to put up with it.

I have others that care for me too.

You aren't the only one.

Either we'll talk shit through,

or just shut the fuck up.

On A Lighter Note

As the days get colder, I realize that I have people that matter in my life.

I know this because of the pictures, because of the questions.

As I grow up in photos, I see the people that will always be there for me.

I see the people who will be there at my graduation,

Who will be there at my wedding,

Who will be there two hours before my wedding:

Powdering my nose,

Fastening the dress,

Handing me the bouquet.

I see my life in photos.

I see people that matter in photos.

I realized today that no matter how far I go,

How long I last without giving a call,

How old I get,

These people will no doubt

Forever be here.

Things, Even Though They Appear to Change, Sometimes Don't

I come home for

Christmas,

and of course

everyone's a little

older,

more tired,

more busy.

Even I fall in

those categories.

But things don't CHANGE.

they don't.

Because we're still in the same

shit as always.

Still thinking that it'll get better,

we always do, but it doesn't.

We're the outcasts,

and it's known to everyone,

but the younger ones.

It's known to everyone

who helped us.

It's known to us.

To our mothers.

But we wish YOU knew

what it was like.

We wish that you could have

been there for us.

We wish that you could

feel what we have.

But you won't.

EVER.

For him, it's painful.

For me, it's painful.

For very different reasons,

but for the same.

Merry Christmas.

Not Trapped, Not Liberated

Try as I may, I'm still stuck

in a place where I have freedom.

I'm free to be, but in a place

where being is confined to

nothing close to satisfactory.

////

Please don't tell me I'm someone else.

Don't make me argue.

I don't want to hurt you,

but I don't want to be hurt either.

I love you so much

and I don't want to lose you.

But I don't want to lose him

either. He means so much to

me, and so do you.

But I've found someone that makes me

be me, and be someone i didn't know was me.

I don't want to lose you,

I don't.

I don't want to be in this crossroads,

but I'll fight.

To be with you, and to be with him.

I'll fight for what I want.

I'll fight for you, for him, for me.

I'll fight for love.

Away Astray and Gone

I look at our pictures

and I miss you.

I think of our memories

and I love you.

I wish we were close

and I cry.

I hope that one day we'll be together again

and I feel joy.

I want our friendship to be strong

and I try for you, for me, for us.

I loved the way things used to be

but now things are different.

Now things have changed.

Now I have to learn to live without you.

Now I've realized that no matter how much

I wish, I cry, I try, you can't come back.

But I still love you.

And I always will.

Simply Because

Simply because I can't handle you anymore

Simply because having you in my mind hurts

Simply because you've destroyed my life

I have to expel you in every sense of the word.

You can no longer hurt me

You can no longer infect my thoughts

You can no longer bring me down with you

I have to rise above everything and anything that's about you

I've hurt so much

I've hurt so long

I've hurt too much

I've hurt too long

And I won't anymore.

If it's the last thing I do,

I won't hurt because of you anymore.